5 Sure-Fire Ways to Lose Weight During the Holidays

Studies show that Americans pack on two- to three-pounds during the holidays. What a bunch of wimps! I can do that in a weekend. Haven't these so-called "Americans" ever heard of fried turkeys? Sweet potato pie? 5-cheese mashed potatoes with cheese gravy?

Like most, I look forward to celebrating this sacred holiday by tithing heavily at Best Buys and other major retailers. And this year I've had lots of opportunities since retailers started decorating for Christmas before Halloween. Who doesn't enjoy hearing Christmas carols ringing gaily through the store while buying suntan lotion in July? Without that reminder, I just might forget that Christmas is coming; that is, if every radio and TV commercial didn't remind me that the best way to show someone I care this holiday season is by giving big gobs of my money to a store. This year I plan to avoid the hassles of shopping and just send my money directly to the stores. Maybe I'll send a JCPenney's giftcard to Macy's and visa versa.

But getting back to the diet tips, I have indeed found a way to actually lose weight during the holidays, during vacations, and during any other time that you might want to actually enjoy food. Grab a pen and paper, you'll want to write this down:

1) Eat with a vegan.
2) Eat with a vegan.
3) Eat with . . . . oh, you get the idea.

Vegans are people who for health or ethical reasons do not eat meat, dairy or any food with actual flavor. They do eat something made from bean curd that they laughingly call, "tofurkey." It's well known that tofurkey is a leading cause of convulsions among friends of vegans who unwittingly have tried this "food," so, you see, it's not really a laughing matter.

This year, I celebrated two Thanksgivings; one filled with sugar, butter and lard the way our forefathers intended, and one with my vegan partner, Prof. Wonderful. Let me be clear - I am very grateful to have Prof. Wonderful in my life. But I am also very grateful that King Sooper's was open on my way home so I could truly start the holidays in style - with chocolate-covered Ritz crackers. Yes, this really is at a supermarket near you this holiday season! My heart almost stopped when I saw them; and that was before I ate them! And yes, everything does taste better on a Ritz. Geez, maybe I should give that tofurkey another try.

Hummus Among Us

This week I wanted to prepare a delicious picnic lunch for my boyfriend, Professor Wonderful. Only one problem - he's a vegan-plus. Not content to be just a vegan, which roughly translates as a person who can never order off the 99-cent menu at a drive-thru, he's also cut out sugar, salt, fat and dairy from his diet. He claims it makes him healthy. I know it makes me crazy.

I love black beans, so black bean dip sounded like a good picnic starter. Not wanting to let things wait until the last minute, I began hunting for the can opener for the sugar-free, no-salt added, organic black beans 10 minutes before Prof. Wonderful was due to arrive. I couldn't find it anywhere - not in the cutlery drawer, not in the dishwasher, not under the sofa cushions or behind the bedroom pillows. I started to panic but being a woman of action I went to the next step - cutting up the onion (organic, of course). One cut into the onion and my eyes started to sting, two cuts and my nose started to run. The smell of sulphur was overwhelming but I'm courageous - I kept cutting, even as my mascara ran in great black rivers down my cheeks. I wondered why police use tear-gas when organic onions are so cheap and easily available?

I soon gave that up and decided to cut up the cilantro. Oh yeah, problem there too. I don't actually know what cilantro looks like and there was no one to help me in Organico food store, so I ended up buying parsley instead. It's green and leafy, much like I assume cilantro is, so it seemed like a good choice.

When Prof. Wonderful arrived I greeted him at the door looking like I was made-up for an Ozzy Osbourne concert and handed him his picnic lunch - two cans of unopened black beans and some cut parsley and killer onions. He pretended not to notice the new "look" and brought in the homemade hummus because store-bought - at 3 grams of fat per serving - is too high in fat and salt. Yes, you read that right and yes, he's a bit off the deep end. (Let the sympathy letters to me begin). And we eat the hummus on either unsprouted, no salt, no fat, no taste cardboard - which he calls "bread", or no fat, no salt "chips."

Prof. Wonderful is very much into recycling and sometimes I really wonder if his recycling includes passing off old pieces of cardboard as chips and bread. He claims no, but you gotta wonder . . . As for me, I'm headed for a Happy Meal - extra salt and fat, please!

STRATGEGY #5:
Don't be like me and wait until the last minute to prepare a gourmet picnic. Start at least 15 minutes before guests arrive.

AFFIRMATION #5:
I move toward my new way of eating with ease, grace and laughter.

Affirmations are a powerful way to create what you want in your life. It's not enough to just say the affirmation, you've got to feel it. Feel the excitement, the joy, the passion as you are creating the life you want to live. Say this affirmation out loud until you feel its truth. Shout it until the neighbors think you are crazy. Say it while dancing around the living room. It's your life. Live out loud!