5 Sure-Fire Ways to Lose Weight During the Holidays

Studies show that Americans pack on two- to three-pounds during the holidays. What a bunch of wimps! I can do that in a weekend. Haven't these so-called "Americans" ever heard of fried turkeys? Sweet potato pie? 5-cheese mashed potatoes with cheese gravy?

Like most, I look forward to celebrating this sacred holiday by tithing heavily at Best Buys and other major retailers. And this year I've had lots of opportunities since retailers started decorating for Christmas before Halloween. Who doesn't enjoy hearing Christmas carols ringing gaily through the store while buying suntan lotion in July? Without that reminder, I just might forget that Christmas is coming; that is, if every radio and TV commercial didn't remind me that the best way to show someone I care this holiday season is by giving big gobs of my money to a store. This year I plan to avoid the hassles of shopping and just send my money directly to the stores. Maybe I'll send a JCPenney's giftcard to Macy's and visa versa.

But getting back to the diet tips, I have indeed found a way to actually lose weight during the holidays, during vacations, and during any other time that you might want to actually enjoy food. Grab a pen and paper, you'll want to write this down:

1) Eat with a vegan.
2) Eat with a vegan.
3) Eat with . . . . oh, you get the idea.

Vegans are people who for health or ethical reasons do not eat meat, dairy or any food with actual flavor. They do eat something made from bean curd that they laughingly call, "tofurkey." It's well known that tofurkey is a leading cause of convulsions among friends of vegans who unwittingly have tried this "food," so, you see, it's not really a laughing matter.

This year, I celebrated two Thanksgivings; one filled with sugar, butter and lard the way our forefathers intended, and one with my vegan partner, Prof. Wonderful. Let me be clear - I am very grateful to have Prof. Wonderful in my life. But I am also very grateful that King Sooper's was open on my way home so I could truly start the holidays in style - with chocolate-covered Ritz crackers. Yes, this really is at a supermarket near you this holiday season! My heart almost stopped when I saw them; and that was before I ate them! And yes, everything does taste better on a Ritz. Geez, maybe I should give that tofurkey another try.