Hummus Among Us

This week I wanted to prepare a delicious picnic lunch for my boyfriend, Professor Wonderful. Only one problem - he's a vegan-plus. Not content to be just a vegan, which roughly translates as a person who can never order off the 99-cent menu at a drive-thru, he's also cut out sugar, salt, fat and dairy from his diet. He claims it makes him healthy. I know it makes me crazy.

I love black beans, so black bean dip sounded like a good picnic starter. Not wanting to let things wait until the last minute, I began hunting for the can opener for the sugar-free, no-salt added, organic black beans 10 minutes before Prof. Wonderful was due to arrive. I couldn't find it anywhere - not in the cutlery drawer, not in the dishwasher, not under the sofa cushions or behind the bedroom pillows. I started to panic but being a woman of action I went to the next step - cutting up the onion (organic, of course). One cut into the onion and my eyes started to sting, two cuts and my nose started to run. The smell of sulphur was overwhelming but I'm courageous - I kept cutting, even as my mascara ran in great black rivers down my cheeks. I wondered why police use tear-gas when organic onions are so cheap and easily available?

I soon gave that up and decided to cut up the cilantro. Oh yeah, problem there too. I don't actually know what cilantro looks like and there was no one to help me in Organico food store, so I ended up buying parsley instead. It's green and leafy, much like I assume cilantro is, so it seemed like a good choice.

When Prof. Wonderful arrived I greeted him at the door looking like I was made-up for an Ozzy Osbourne concert and handed him his picnic lunch - two cans of unopened black beans and some cut parsley and killer onions. He pretended not to notice the new "look" and brought in the homemade hummus because store-bought - at 3 grams of fat per serving - is too high in fat and salt. Yes, you read that right and yes, he's a bit off the deep end. (Let the sympathy letters to me begin). And we eat the hummus on either unsprouted, no salt, no fat, no taste cardboard - which he calls "bread", or no fat, no salt "chips."

Prof. Wonderful is very much into recycling and sometimes I really wonder if his recycling includes passing off old pieces of cardboard as chips and bread. He claims no, but you gotta wonder . . . As for me, I'm headed for a Happy Meal - extra salt and fat, please!

STRATGEGY #5:
Don't be like me and wait until the last minute to prepare a gourmet picnic. Start at least 15 minutes before guests arrive.

AFFIRMATION #5:
I move toward my new way of eating with ease, grace and laughter.

Affirmations are a powerful way to create what you want in your life. It's not enough to just say the affirmation, you've got to feel it. Feel the excitement, the joy, the passion as you are creating the life you want to live. Say this affirmation out loud until you feel its truth. Shout it until the neighbors think you are crazy. Say it while dancing around the living room. It's your life. Live out loud!

Regrets, I've had a few

It's been a few days since I've written because I've been getting ready to get ready to change my lifestyle. Right now I am filled with regret for what I have not experienced in life - a Big Mac that was actually hot and tasty, the newest brands of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, steak tartar - well, maybe not that.

But thinking about everything that I won't be eating when I start toward being Fit by Fifty has filled me with longings and cravings I thought long-gone. Last week I experienced the wonders of Del Taco and Jack in the Box while I still could. Truth is, I haven't been missing much, but that didn't stop me in my quest.

I've always wanted to try the pimento cheese spread from King Sooper's. Cheesy deliciousness! But is it better on tortilla chips or potato chips? Warm or cold? Inquiring stomachs want to know! I filled my grocery basket with everything I saw that looked delicious. Then I just stared filling it with anything that looked edible that might not be allowed on my diet. Marinated olives, potato skins - the grocery store have made otherwise healthy foods unhealthy and I am lovin' it! As I chow down, I think about the months ahead and the healthy foods I will be eating. I consider saving the cardboard boxes of the new Pillsbury Savorings that I have been trying one by one (all of them Rock!), thinking the cardboard can be prime snacking material - full of fiber and just as delicious as any fat-free, salt-free rice cracker I've ever tried. Chocolate cheesecake, I hardly knew ye! My birthday isn't til next week - I gotta make another run to the store.

STRATEGY #4:
Recycle the empty pizza boxes and soda cans before you tell family and friends about your new endeavor to be Fit by Fifty!

AFFIRMATION #4:
I choose to eat foods that taste delicious and nourish my body.
Affirmations are a powerful way to create what you want in your life. It's not enough to just say the affirmation, you've got to feel it. Feel the excitement, the joy, the passion as you are creating the life you want to live. Say this affirmation out loud until you feel its truth. Shout it until the neighbors think you are crazy. Say it while dancing around the living room. It's your life. Live out loud!

Valerie or Kirstie?

Middle-aged men around the country who had crushes on pixie-cute Valerie Bertinelli in their youth mourned when they learned that alas, she was human and gained not just a rock star husband but weight as she grew older.

I personally felt a bit of secret glee when I first saw her on the Jenny Craig commercials. I mean, come on. Absolutely adorable as a teen, in a hit TV show, marries a rock star, has a terrific son. Every guy I knew in high school had a crush on her. By secret glee I mean walking around home and office saying, "Hey! Valerie Bertinelli is fat!" "Did you see her picture? She's FAAAT." I really liked that when I held her picture up it hid a little bit of my fat.

Then last week I saw her bikini picture. Now it's my turn to mourn. She's baaack. Gorgeous, buff, and happy with life even without the rock star husband. She's modeling on a surf board and I want to hide behind it.

Worst of all, Kirstie Alley, the woman who got Valerie on board with losing weight, admitted yesterday on Oprah that she put on all the weight she had lost and more. Kirstie took to her bed for 24 hours after seeing the newest pics of Valerie's blazin' bod. I feel like doing the same, but sadly I don't have any servants who will fetch me french fries and soda while I mourn.

Now, I have a choice. Do I want to be Valerie or Kirstie? The difference between the two is that Valerie kept working. Kirstie moved her workout equipment out of her home into her garage and never looked at it again. Valerie kept working. Kirstie stopped counting calories and began to eat what she wanted, not what her body wanted. Valerie kept working.

So, which do I choose? Fit or Fat? Which do you choose? Valerie's way sounds like a lot of work to me. Chocolate helps me think. I think I'll work my way over to the fridge and get some chocolate to help me think. Note to self: How many calories are burned off by walking from the computer to the fridge? Perhaps skipping over would help my calorie-burning count for the day. Ingenuous!

STRATEY #3: Find people who motivate you and copy what they do. Who inspires you? Valerie is certainly an inspiration. But what about somebody who motivates you for the way they live their life? For how they show up in this world? On a poster board or in a notebook, put in pictures of people who motivate you. What do they do that you want to? Be a copy cat. Live "as if" you are that person. It's fun and it opens to you the possibility that you can indeed life a rich life, even if you haven't married a rock star.

AFFIRMATION #3: Today I am inspired to live my best life.

Affirmations are a powerful way to create what you want in your life. It's not enough to just say the affirmation, you've got to feel it. Feel the excitement, the joy, the passion as you are creating the life you want to live. Say this affirmation out loud until you feel its truth. Shout it until the neighbors think you are crazy. Say it while dancing around the living room. It's your life. Live out loud!